Vipassana
What to say about Vipassana…(get it?)
It was strange picking up my backpack this morning. It seemed much heavier than I remembered. I had turned it into the office 10 days earlier when I had taken a vow of noble silence.
The ‘noble’ part is where reading, writing, body language, eye contact, etc. are included as part of the silent deal. The bag was stuffed full: two laptops, camera, mobile phones, e-readers, ipod, notebooks, all the writing instruments I had, valuables – anything that could possibly create a distraction from this impending attempt at self betterment, got thrown into the pack. I handed the bulging bag to the laconic man behind the desk but he was unsatisfied. He peacefully gestured to my necklaces and watch. “Oh,” I said, “they’re not valuable” to which he answered, “sentimental?” and with his look, I knew they also belonged in the bag. He had a pair of scissors waiting to cut the strings of exactly these types of unremovable adornments.
For 10 days I was to be free of all this weight. For 10 days I would live a monastic lifestyle – off the charity of others and with my full purpose and attention being on the task at hand (whatever that was). The non-sectarian Vipassana course as taught by S.N. Goenka does not ask for any payment and is open to anyone of any race, culture, or creed. Every mediation center is run entirely from the donations of former students. It is only after a course has been completed and if the student thinks it valuable for others that a donation accepted.
I won’t go too much into the details of the type of meditation they ask you that you attempt to learn and practice. At the most base level, we would be completely silent and meditate for 8 hours each day. I’ve never really been able to wrap my head around meditation. It has always seemed like a lovely and positive thing to do but never something I felt I had experienced in any real way. My experience began and ended with the few minutes before or after a yoga or martial arts class where you sit quietly and try to quiet your mind. These moments I spent mostly fighting the urge to sleep or thinking about lunch (and often failing). As I said, I very much like the idea of meditation, of calmness and clarity, of mind control, but I have never been particularly successful and certainly never to the transcendental level that I so often hear about with meditation is discussed by those who regularly practice.
Yet here I was, at a mediation center in western India having just taken a vow of silence, been shown where my pillow seat was located in the main hall, and told that the wake up bell was at 0400 am for the 0430 – 0630 pre-breakfast mediation.
I learned quickly that it is in fact possible to fall over while sitting cross legged on the floor. In both directions. Flashes of the countless times through my academic career where I nodded off and fell full out of my chair (sometimes desk and all) flickered in and out of my sleepy mind in between desperate attempts to focus on my breathing.
I spent hours of the day in complete awe at the sheer craziness of the mind. How fast and wild it wanders. How it rolls desperately through the past and into the future often skipping the present all together. How minutes and up to half an hour could pass before realizing how far away it had gone before once more bringing it back to the present, to the breath, only to have it wander again. Slipping smoothly out of the chains of concentration. It was exhausting. Not to mention the constant adjusting my body to ease the pain and numbness shooting through my back and legs. I would sit for as long as I could trying not to peak behind my back at the clock and when I did only to find that very little time had passed since the last time I peaked. I would occasionally sneak glances to the front of the mediation hall where the teachers sat and each time be amazed at their complete stillness that lasted for hours at a time.
Obviously, if you follow the rules, you cannot keep a journal because you have nothing to write with or on….but even if it would be permitted, the pages would be littered with madness.
I learned that without any new distractions coming in, the mind doesn’t slow down it just goes deeper. You have no choice but to look at it for what it is.
I think over the course of 10 days I thought about every single moment in my life that I have ever been irritated or felt slighted. I replayed every instant that I was ashamed of or wish I had acted or reacted in a different way. Everything I wish I had said or done and everything I wished I hadn’t. Anything to leave the present. Demons and angels being exposed deep under the layers of years of input and topical experiences.
During the sleepless nights, after an exhausting day of trying to focus my mind and hold it in the present, it went wild – I composed numerous campaign speeches for becoming mayor of Oakland (which I was unaware I had any desire to do), got fixated on the lyrics to the Green Acres theme song which was just out of my memories reach, wrote letters to long missed friends, got in full fledged fights with my partner, made oh so many to-do lists, considered how I would handle the zombie apocalypse…. I would try to bring in back – to focus – to sleep, and before I knew, it was gone again running wild until halted by the ringing of the wake up bell.
Each day the moments of concentration, of staying present lasted a little bit longer. By the fourth day, after being asked by the teacher to have a strong determination, I found that I could sit, without moving, for segments of one hour at a time. It was incredible. To stay present and concentrated – once the mind knows how become alert and aware you start to notice the sensations going on throughout the entire body – some subtle, some strong.
Slowly I began to understand what it really meant to accept impermanence. That my mental or physical reactions to the sensations were in fact within my control and that it is not necessary for them to be judgmental. The sensations of pain often fought to overpower all of the other sensations (this was the most difficult) but with concentration and the trust that all things rise to pass away – the pain begins to neutralize and eventually passes. This is control of the mind. What an empowering and peaceful thing to know exists and is possible to attain even if only for brief moments.
I always understood meditation to be about clearing or emptying the mind but now I understand it to be something very different. Rather it is about focusing the mind on what actually is, in the moment.
As the 10th day approached, I found myself anxious about breaking the vow of silence. I had grown to very much embrace and enjoy it, especially when I began to learn how to quiet my mind. Even in the moments of intense agitation, I found comfort in knowing that it would pass without the need of words, explanations, or apologies.
It was intense to get thrown back into the normal world, the madness and noise of India’s city traffic but I felt calmer somehow and I knew the path to quiet place.
While I won’t say, “I liked the Vipassana course,” I will say that it was one of the most intense experiences I have had but also one of the most positive.
Journey Hard Speak Easy 